The burger man could show them how it’s done

I’m sitting on a bench at the National Mall with Tim Gannon of Mingo sipping coffee while the world’s gravest threats swirled all around us. You would scarcely know there are wars going on: crews are aerating the long lawn on this glorious sunny Thursday morning, and people stroll past in suits toting briefcases.

I imagine that Gannon is meeting me secretly to disclose deep info on biofuels made from soy oil, like in the movies. He works in the USDA headquarters in a big job helping run the Farm Service Agency and Natural Resource Conservation Service. Secretary Vilsack could be watching us out his window through binoculars. Spies could be on the next bench.

Not a hint in the slight breeze that the House of Representatives was politically ablaze and rendered useless. The Republicans are fighting among themselves to find a Speaker while Gaza and Crimea explode. Jim Jordan, a former second-tier wrestling coach at Ohio State who violates decorum by his presence, was nominated by his caucus to take the gavel. But it was not at all clear by the weekend that he could survive a full House vote this week.

The grounds crew could halt its work on a government shutdown a month or so off while the Republicans fiddle. Arms for Ukraine and Israel hang in the balance. So does the farm bill. Cops are everywhere on heightened security: teams of three or four on every other corner, wearing FBI jackets. They protect the circus. How you gonna feed the elephant?

All that strolling the lawn fired up my appetite at Five Guys burger joint on K Street. They say Obama digs the place. There’s a burly dude bagging up and calling out the finished orders who has no time for trifles on noon rush. A group of German visitors attempted to challenge his accuracy with their order. He explained the facts of life and their ticket to them in short order, and of course he was right. He explained in clear English: “Git and go. You’re good.” They caught his tone and go they did.

The order man should be Speaker. You don’t have to be an elected representative — Donald Trump toyed with taking the job. The man probably is easy enough to find if you check it out on a midweek noon hour. I would recommend waiting until after 1 p.m. to approach him with an offer, because he has a world to feed and damn sure is going to get the job done.

Jordan may wish it all on somebody else soon enough.

He could consult fellow Ohioan John Boehner, or former Speaker Paul Ryan, or former caucus leader Eric Cantor, or Kevin McCarthy on what it does for your political prospects. If the Republicans want good riddance of Jim Jordan, elevating him should do the trick. Then they can nominate the mope McHenry masquerading as a Southern Gentleman in a bowtie. Or one of the other cartoon characters on whom an anvil is about to drop.

The guy at Five Guys would not delay a farm bill by another year or two when there are people to feed. He keeps everything moving. You’re holding up new grants for rural water systems and low-carbon aviation biofuels over food stamps? Git and go!

We need leaders who do not let fools get in the way of feeding everyone. That’s how Sam Rayburn and Tip O’Neill did it. They are political anachronisms. You go along to get along. By bringing in your opponents you can hold them in front of you. Lessons lost on the new incompetent right wing.

Meanwhile, President Joe Biden was hailed for his speech on Israel. Steady as she goes Joe. The war on inflation is over, and still jobs are growing. The Republicans cannot afford to lurch toward the government shutdown precipice again, can they, and hope to win the next election? When our Navy is on high alert in the Persian Gulf?

Later that night I got to go up to the National Press Club where the spirits of my heroes reside. There’s a black and white photo by George Tames of LBJ scowling at Nixon. Look at what we have survived. The capitol was rebuilt from fire. The nation held through Civil War and Lincoln’s assassination.

It’s gets ugly with morons mud wrestling but eventually they all throw each other out of the ring. The guy at Five Guys knows what is going down, and he doesn’t abide foolishness when there is serious work to be done. After awhile, you get fed up with people who are not serious about getting everyone fed. There’s a detour on Iowa 39 toward Denison and another on US 30 toward Mo Valley. That infrastructure money is at work slowing my trip home from Omaha, where a new jet company running on biofuels is opening this week on that same Biden money. The contrast is pretty clear. No time for trifling.

Art Cullen is the editor of the Storm Lake Times Pilot in Northwest Iowa, where this column appeared. For more columns and editorials, please consider a subscription to the Times Pilot. Or, if you wish, you can make a tax-deductible gift to the Western Iowa Journalism Foundation to support independent community journalism in rural Iowa. Thanks.

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